how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
God, I missed his penis.
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