i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
