she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
