I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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