i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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