Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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