Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
