I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize