hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
