I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
