I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
