I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
