"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
