Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize