I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
