i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
