I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
