I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
