So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
