sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
