I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
