Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You made out with two different species that night
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
