Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
