Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
