This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
