Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
