Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
