You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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