he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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