mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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