How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
