woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
