If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
