There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
