Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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