I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
