Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
