FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
