Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
