Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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