I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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