I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
