was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize