i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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