Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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