They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
