This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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