i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
