I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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