you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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