i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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