Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
