I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize