2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
