He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
