I'm lost and stupid without you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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