i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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