My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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