my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
